Dr. Tiffany Ofili Porter

Every year around this time I reflect on my journey to motherhood and remember how it wasn’t as straightforward as I’d liked. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month and it will always hold a special place in my heart as we remember all the couples who experienced the gut wrenching pain of losing a pregnancy or infant.

I am grateful to be on the other side of that loss and to help other people with similar experiences feel less alone. As a woman who was on a ttc (trying to conceive) journey for a few years, and now as a mom of two, here are eight lessons I’d tell my younger self if I could go back in time:

1) Those losses you experienced will not break you

While in the middle of those tear filled sleepless nights from the disappointments of miscarriages and doubt, it was hard to be optimistic about the future. Looking back now, I’d encourage my younger self and tell her that these difficult moments won’t last forever.

I’d tell younger Tiff that although it was the hardest period of her life (track disappointments paled in comparison) that her testimony would be much greater.

I’d tell younger Tiff that the tears will be replaced with indescribable joy and appreciation for the kids she desperately wanted.

I’d tell younger Tiff that she would develop a gift to sense when another woman is having a hard time surrounding her fertility/motherhood journey to offer prayer, encouragement, or solidarity.

Although the tough road to motherhood isn’t one I would’ve chosen for myself, I now know that there can be a purpose to the pain. Those experiences better equipped me to become an instrument to uplift other people going through something similar.

2)  Enjoy those care free travel days

This may seem trivial to those without children, but I now realize that my easy and quick travel days are a thing of the past, unless I’m going on a kid free trip.

I’d tell younger Tiff that having to coordinate traveling as a family of four is a much different vibe and it takes a high level of planning.

I’d tell younger Tiff to have a check list of car seats, children snacks, strollers, clothing layers, diapers, kid entertainment, and much more. Check out this reel for tips on traveling with kids: click here.

I’d tell younger Tiff that the days of getting to the airport thirty minutes before gate closing and/or sprinting through the airport are gone.

3) Nothing can prepare you for how much you’ll love your kids

I always thought it was a cliché when people said the love you have your children is unlike anything else, until I had children of my own. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, to the birth day of my kids, the love and desire to protect grew more and more with each passing day.

I’d tell younger Tiff that although it’s a bizarre feeling having so much love for a person you never even met, it also makes all the sense in the world that the love between mother and child runs so deep.

I’d tell younger Tiff that you’ll be overcome with emotion at the birth of your children and those are moments that you will never forget.

4) Being is a mom is a harder than it looks

There is no parenting manual and although a lot of it is instinctual, there’s a steep learning curve at the same time.

I’d tell younger Tiff to:

• Be ok with asking for help
• Humble yourself to recieve advice and tips on how to navigate motherhood
• Understand that every kid is different and figuring out what works for your children will take trial and error
• Appreciate that there are times when you’ll feel like you’re failing, but to give yourself grace and keep striving to be best parent you can be
• The minute you feel like you’ve figured it all out, here comes a sleep regression, developmental leap, or other change to shake things up. So remain adaptable

5) Seeing your supportive husband blossom into a supportive father is top tier

The younger Tiff who was head over heels in love with her college sweetheart and husband would be happy to know that the love deepens further when you see him wearing his dad hat.

I would applaud young Tiff for trusting God with the matters of her heart, growing with Jeff, and building the life that we talked about back in college.

I’d tell young Tiff that although your relationship will be tested, there is a reward on the other side of obedience that will exceed every single one of your expectations.

6) Always mind your own uterus

Before embarking on my journey to motherhood, I had no idea how triggering questions like “when will you have kids” could be to some people. Having experienced the pain of loss, I now consider it a life mission to raise awareness of how to be delicate with these conversations, and how to better show up for women and men struggling with infertility.

Although I stand now as a woman who can confidently write a blog entitled Mind Your Own Uterus (read here), I’d tell younger Tiff to be mindful of her words and know that they have weight. I’d remind her that you never know what people are going through behind closed doors.

Even though younger Tiff made the mistake of asking triggering questions to other women in the past, I’d implore her to never make that mistake again. When you know better you do better.

7) Many things are out of your control

God ultimately has the final say on if and when we have kids. And although I’m incredibly grateful that He blessed me with children earth side, through my losses I learned to fully trust His will for my life, even if it ends up different from what I envisioned.

I’d tell young Tiff that you can do all the planning you want, but always be prepared for the unexpected.

I’d tell young Tiff that God’s delay is seldom a denial and His redirection is better than what you think you need.

I’d tell young Tiff that surrendering all of your desires to the Lord is freeing because trying to control every aspect of life will ultimately lead to frustration and disappointment.

8) There’s no one size fits all approach to relationships, timelines, or parenting

The same way that we are all placed on earth for a different purpose, we all will inevitably have a different path and trajectory. With that, timelines and journeys will vary from person to person.

I’d tell younger Tiff that even though getting married at 23 may have looked weird to the outside world, it was a great blessing to grow alongside Jeff and build together in our twenties.

I’d tell younger Tiff to remain steadfast in her pursuit to achieving success in her track career despite some unsolicited advice to just quit and start having babies before she was ready. And that leaning into her focus on career will really pay off in the long run for a variety of reasons.

I’d tell younger Tiff that when she finally does become a mom to eagerly accept parenting advice but have discernment on what tips to disregard since every child and family dynamic is unique.

As we go through life’s ups and downs, we gain invaluable experience that allows us to grow and pass the lessons on to others. It’s my hope that as I journey through life I can help my friends along the way by providing wisdom and offering encouragement.

Regardless of your current situation in life, always know that you have a virtual friend rooting for you to win!

—
TOP