Dr. Tiffany Ofili Porter

Moving to a new city and being tasked with building a new tribe can be challenging. In the past I’ve written about the importance of nurturing current relationships but what I’ve learned is that there is also an art to actually creating new friendships, especially as an adult.

With our recent relocations I’ve had to cultivate new relationships from scratch twice in the last two years. I’ve been blessed to cross paths with some incredible people in both Ohio and Kansas and some of that is in part due to me intentionally seeking out those connections.

Here are some tips that have helped me and my husband to foster new & genuine relationships as adults:

1) Be Open and Approachable

Smile, make eye contact, and be open to conversations with new acquaintances. People can spot inauthenticity quickly, so no need to put on a facade or pretend to be something you’re not. Understand that you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and use that knowledge as a reminder to be yourself and trust you’ll meet your people.

When you do meet folks you’d like to build a relationship with, don’t hesitate to initiate plans or suggest activities. Even though platonic relationships are different from romantic ones, they’re similar in the fact that they take effort and shouldn’t feel one sided.

With that, it also helps to be a good listener and show genuine interest in others during conversations. In school, with relationships, and pretty much in every area of life, it is beneficial to actively listen, and strive to understand what the other person is saying. Although it may feel like active listening seems to be a dying skill, that doesn’t have to be the case with you.

I met my new friend Bonnie by attending a mommy and me bilingual story time at the library with my daughter and as we struck up casual authentic conversation, we realized we had quite a bit in common. We both were in a stay at home season in our lives with young children, both ran track in college, and both want our children to learn Spanish; those commonalities led to us exchanging numbers, and the rest is history. Even though I didn’t wake up the morning Bonnie and I met thinking I needed to make a new friend that day, I was open to the idea. I pride myself on being approachabe and welcoming and this has helped tremendously.

2) Pursue Your Interests

Join clubs, groups, or classes related to your hobbies or passions. This can provide a natural way to meet like-minded people who you may have a lot in common with. I am a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorortity Incorporated, so I have an international network of sisters that I can tap into for community and all I had to do was transfer from my Cincinnati chapter to my current Kansas City  chapter upon relocating. I’ve met some amazing Sorortity Sisters, including my Soror Christina who has been very kind and welcoming since we met.

Even if you’re not a part of a sorority or fraternity, you can seek out other groups in the local community to meet new people. In adulthood we have to be very intentional about this compared to other life stages like high school and college, where proximity to like minded peers is more straightforward and takes less work to seek out.

Along those same lines, we can achieve this by building friendships with colleagues and/or work staff. If you’re in a new city for work, attend industry-related networking events to connect with professionals in your field. By participating in workplace activities and getting to know coworkers outside of the office, we allow our actions to show that we are interested in building relationship. Since I have not been working outside of the home during this relocation, “work” hasn’t been a relationship building avenue for me, but my husband has used his new job to make some great connections.

3) Join Online Communities & Leverage Social Media

Online forums or social media groups related to your interests can connect you with people virtually to maybe even potentially meet up in person. You can join local Facebook groups or other social media platforms where people in your area discuss events, activities, and meetups.

When we arrived in Kansas City, I used Instagram to find our new photographer, Kenney Ellison who’s also Jeff’s Fraternity brother, and we all became fast friends. He then introduced me to his wife, Andrea, and she then connected me to Mariah who I didn’t initially realize I ran track against in college years ago.

This very intertwined connection didn’t stop there. We met my new friend Brittany through her husband Reid who we met doing the Tamia shuffle at the local city-wide Juneteenth celebration. Reid also happens to be Jeff’s Fraternity bother and he also knew Kenney Ellison our photographer. The way we all met and were connected was very interesting; it felt like we were all destined to be friends.

And all of these connections literally began from me searching a hashtag on Instagram.

Attend gatherings, local events, festivals, parties, or networking events, even if it feels intimidating. These settings offer opportunities to connect with new people who may share your interests.

4) Remain Patient

Building meaningful friendships takes time, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. I never really had to think about it while I was living in my comfort zone in Michigan, but praying that God places great people in my life has truly had an impact in my relationships as I’ve left my hometown.

There are certain things in life you can’t rush or force, and relationships are one of them. This is of the utmost importance in the relationships you build for childcare as well. Our first friends in Kansas City were Nicolle and Cearra (a dynamic mother and daughter duo) and were introduced to us by our cousin Jordan who is best friends with Cearra. They both have been very kind to us, and Nicolle is a passionate educator who offers childcare services and is amazing with children. She, along with Christy who she also introduced us to, have been our go to people to watch our kids if we ever need a date night.

Word of mouth and tapping into your existing network can be great ways to meet new people.

Another strategy is to frequent local cafes, restaurants, and bars, so you can become a familiar face and potentially strike up conversations with regulars. Most relationships begin with a simple conversation so this can be a good place to start. Even though this may cause you step outside of your comfort zone, remember that investing into meaningful connections takes time and can be a long game.

5) Stay Positive & Available

Maintain a positive attitude and trust that you will build fulfilling relationships in the way you’re supposed to. I’m a firm believer that when it comes to genuine friendships, quality is far more important than quantity. It’s key to guard our hearts and be discerning about who we let into our space, so when you do meet great people, you feel comfortable with those relationships.

Once connections have been made, it’s important to be open to invitations from coworkers, neighbors, or acquaintances. Accepting and making yourself available for social invitations can lead to forming new friendships and cultivating them.

When my friend Mariah invited me to the Happy Bottoms Diaper Bowl fundraiser event, I was happy to attend, not only to spend time with some incredible folks, but to help support an amazing cause simultaneously.

I left the event feeling uplifted by community and humbled to give back to it in a small way as well. By me making myself available to accept Mariah’s invitation to the event, I had the opportunity to meet new people and to cultivate the relationship she and I already created. It was a win win.

It’s a fact that building friendships can take time, so be patient and persistent. Don’t be discouraged by initial setbacks, and keep putting yourself out there to meet new people and create those meaningful connections.

You’ll be happy that you did!

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