As a woman who has been married for 13.5 years, I feel like I have enough “skin in the game” to offer insight on some of the tips and tactics that have helped me along my journey. My husband & I were married for 8 years before having our first child, and although we had a great handle on our marriage beforehand, I’d be lying if I said adding motherhood into the mix wasn’t an adjustment.
Balancing marriage and motherhood can be challenging but also rewarding. Here are some tips that I’ve used to help me manage both, and I’m sure they’ll be useful for you as well:
1. Prioritize Communication:
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Discuss your needs, expectations, and any concerns regularly – don’t beat around the bush, don’t bottle things up, don’t allow things to escalate. Address your issue upfront to help avoid misunderstandings.
I know this may sound like a cliché because everyone always talks about the importance of adequate communication, but I have it listed as number one for a reason. Prioritizing communication with your spouse is foundational for the other tips I will be listing, and it is foundational for marriage in general.
2. Schedule Quality Time:
Set aside regular time for your relationship, even if it’s just a short, intentional moment each day or week.
I am the queen of scheduling a solo date night on our calender and being mindful of how long it’s been in between dates. I love going out for family dates regularly, but we are intentional about ensuring they’re not the only quality time we have with each other. Those solo date nights where it’s just you and your hubby are crucial to keeping the spark alive.
Speaking of spark, I’m not above scheduling adult time either. Now, whereas I may not necessarily put it on the calendar, I do kind of keep track of how long it’s been to ensure it doesn’t get out of hand.
Whether it’s dates or sexy time, scheduling that uninterrupted time together can strengthen your bond and keep your relationship strong.
3. Share Responsibilities:
Divide parenting and household duties fairly. It may seem like a simple tactic, which it is, but you’d be surprised how many people overlook it, which often leads to one party feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated.
In my marriage, for example, my hubby does the bedtime routine for the kids while I do an end of day turbo speed cleaning session, and this divide & conquer approach has been incredibly helpful for my sanity.
Sharing responsibility between partners can prevent burnout and ensure that both partners feel involved and supported.
4. Establish Boundaries:
We must endeavor to routinely create boundaries between family time and personal time.
One thing that works for us is that once the kids are sleeping, we’ve kind of unofficially designated that time for us to talk, cuddle, joke around, and enjoy each other’s company. We decided very early on not to cosleep with our kids, and they both understand the boundary of having their own beds and not coming ours.
It may sound simple, but I really do enjoy those times at night when the house is quiet, and it’s just us to reconnect and discuss our wins and losses for the day.
Last night, for example, Jeff and I took the monitor with us, went down on the patio, lit a fire pit, roasted smores, and just enjoyed the peaceful evening together. And ended it with a night cap. It was perfect. Small things like that can really go a long way
While doing it as a couple, its also important to make sure you also set aside time for yourself invidually to recharge as well.
5. Seek Support:
Don’t hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, or professionals when needed. I have my fellow mom friends who have been amazing in offering to watch the kids here and there, and we now have an amazing support system here in KC who help us with our kids.
My mother in law stayed with us for 6 weeks, and having her around was a huge help and a reminder of just how important community is. So, for those of you who live near family and don’t have to pay for child care, count your blessings, and please don’t take it for granted
Having a support network can ease the load.
6. Be Flexible:
Understand that both marriage and parenting will require flexibility.
One thing life has taught me is that things seldom go according to plan, and this is so true, especially in motherhood. Kids may get sick and may derail your date night plans. Or your kid may be having a tantrum during a very important meeting you’ve had scheduled for weeks.
Just being able to roll with the punches will make a huge difference in your approach to each day and ultimately how your day progresses.
Being prepared to adapt to changes and challenges as they arise is truly a superpower and will lend well in your marriage.
7. Practice Self-Care:
Taking care of your physical and mental well-being is crucial.
And ladies, this also means encouraging your spouse to do the same. Sometimes, there’s a huge emphasis on women prioritizing their self care regimens, but it’s important that we help our men do the same.
Give him a massage, encourage him to eat a salad with his dinner, or just prioritize the small things that can contribute to him feeling full.
Healthy individuals are better able to manage the demands of marriage and motherhood.
8. Celebrate Small Wins:
Recognize and appreciate the small achievements in both your marriage and parenting journey.
If you and your hubby have had a discussion about him doing more with the kids and you see him taking the initiative, acknowledge it and celebrate it.
If you’ve been on a fitness journey and have been feeling unmotivated to work out, celebrate the day(s) when you get up and get it done.
Those small wins add up to the big ones. This can boost morale and foster a positive outlook.
Successfully balancing the roles as wife & mother is an ongoing process, and being kind to ourselves as we navigate this journey can make a big difference.
We’ve got this, guys!
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To watch the YouTube video where I break these points down even further, make sure to check out this video:
Dr. Tiffany Ofili Porter 