Back in 2005, I met my husband at the University of Michigan at the tender age of seventeen.
Sure, I didn’t necessarily realize at the time that nineteen years and two kids later we’d be here in 2024 celebrating thirteen years of marriage, but here we are. On May 7th, we had our anniversary, and it made me pause to reflect on the life we created, as well as the lessons learned during the process.
Marriage is a journey filled with love, laughter, challenges, and growth. Along the way, couples encounter numerous lessons that shape their relationship and strengthen their bond, and that’s what has happened in my marriage as well.
In an effort to help guide couples towards a fulfilling and enduring partnership and in honor of my thirteenth wedding anniversary, I decided to share thirteen lessons that we’ve learned along our marriage journey so far:
1. Master Communication
I know, it’s SUCH a cliché when people discuss the importance of communicating with your spouse, but it’s always mentioned for a reason.
Effective communication lies at the heart of every successful marriage, and I’ve found that getting comfortable with having difficult conversations with my husband has been a key part of our success.
Being able to openly express thoughts, feelings, and concerns fosters understanding and connection between partners.
2. Compromise and Be Flexible
I get that it can be easier said than done, but you have to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own as much as possible. Jeff and I practice (kind of by force) the art of being considerate and we appreciate the importance of yielding to the needs of the other person.
Marriage often requires compromise and flexibility. Both partners must be willing to meet halfway and adapt to each other’s needs and preferences.
3. Respect Differences
Every individual brings their own unique background, beliefs, and quirks into a marriage. Respecting and celebrating these differences strengthens the bond between partners.
Even if Jeff and I don’t see eye to eye on every single topic, I’ve learned to respect his opinions & autonomy to make his own decisions, and I expect the same in return.
4. Nurture Romance
Romance isn’t just for the early stages of a relationship. Keeping the romance alive through small gestures, date nights, and expressions of affection is crucial for sustaining intimacy.
This can be especially tricky when you have small children, but we have found that doing some of the things we did when we first got together has helped thirteen years later.
If I need to, I’ll schedule that date night. I’ll flirt with my husband. I’ve learned his love language, and I speak it fluently.
5. Prioritize Quality Time
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, carving out quality time for each other is essential. This lesson goes hand in hand with nurturing romance, but is broader because even the most mundane tasks can be elevated when you’re doing it with the person you love.
Whether it’s sharing a meal, going for a walk, or enjoying a hobby together, prioritize time to connect.
6. Support Each Other’s Dreams
I often refer to my husband as my purpose partner, and I understand the value and necessity of what we are trying to build. And since we are in alignment with that, we understood very early on in our marriage the importance of being the other person’s support and anchor.
A strong marriage is built on mutual support and encouragement. Cheer on each other’s aspirations and dreams, and be there to lend a helping hand along the way.
7. Practice Forgiveness
This is a learned skill and can be difficult to truly master, but forgiving your spouse is incredibly important for the longevity of a marriage.
I’ve learned this the hard way. And I’m still learning it, if I’m being honest.
Whether it be big catastrophic grievances, or slight annoyances, practicing the art of forgiveness is a skill that will be useful in marriage, as well as platonic relationships.
No one is perfect, and conflicts are inevitable in any relationship. Learning to forgive, let go of grudges, and move forward is essential for healing and growth.
8. Work as a team
Facing challenges together strengthens the bond between partners. Approach obstacles as a team, and support each other through thick and thin.
My husband and I used to compete for a living, and had to learn quickly to save that energy for the track and not for home. We learned that we are on the same team working together, and never against each other.
9. Maintain Individuality
One of the beautiful things about me and my husband is that we have a lot of things in common, yet are incredibly different at the same time.
And we celebrate those differences.
While marriage is about partnership, it’s important for each partner to maintain their own identity and interests, encourage personal growth, and pursue individual passions.
10. Express Gratitude
A byproduct of experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss and finally becoming a parent is an unparalleled level of gratitude that has natrually trickled down to my marriage as well. I’ve found that when you focus on being grateful for your blessings, it takes the place of so many other emotions like dissatisfaction, comparison or envy.
And boy is this useful in a marriage.
Never underestimate the power of expressing gratitude and appreciation. Recognize and acknowledge the efforts and sacrifices your partner makes for the relationship.
11. Resolve Conflicts Constructively
Jeff and I are very solution oriented people, and this has proven helpful when we have to resolve disagreements and do so in an effective and productive manner. We made a promise to never hit below the belt in arguments, and having a deep respect for each other helps us to resolve conflicts constructively.
Instead of letting conflicts escalate, focus on finding constructive solutions through active listening, empathy, and compromise.
12. Keep Intimacy Alive
Physical intimacy is an important aspect of marriage that requires effort and attention.
Although sex is a very important aspect of intimacy, and needs to be prioritized, it’s not the only way to be intimate.
Cultivate intimacy through affection, communication, and shared experiences.
13. Embrace Growth Together
Going into marriage at 23 and 25 years old, and dating since our teenaged years, we knew we would essentially be growing with each other as we progressed in our marriage. To think that you’ll be the same person at 17 that you are at 36 is silly, so we vowed to love each other through every season and as we aged together.
Marriage is a journey of continuous growth and evolution. Embrace change, learn from experiences, and grow together as individuals and as a couple.
Marriage has the potential to be a beautiful journey filled with love, growth, and shared experiences. Thankfully, as Jeff and I have embraced these thirteen key lessons, they’ve helped to enhance our marriage substantially. It’s my hope that embracing these same lessons can help couples navigate the ups and downs of married life with grace, resilience, and unwavering love.
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Dr. Tiffany Ofili Porter 